Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOUIS C.K.
♪♪♪>>THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YES,
THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S APPROPRIATE.
HERE’S A JOKE. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD? BECAUSE THERE IS A BLACK GUY
WALKING BEHIND HIM. AND HE WAS NERVOUS.
HE WAS NEW TO THE CITY, THIS CHICKEN, AND HE WAS LIKE “I FEEL
LIKE HE IS FOLLOWING ME.” BUT THEN HE THOUGHT IF I CROSS
THE ROAD, THEN IF HE CROSSES THE ROAD, HE DEFINITELY FOLOWING ME.
SO HE CROSSES THE ROAD. THE BLACK GUY WENT HOME, HE’S
JUST LIVING HIS LIFE. AND THE CHICKEN IS LIKE “I’M
SUCH A RACIST.” HE FELT BAD.
ABOUT A MONTH LATER A BLACK GUY ATE THE CHICKEN.
DIFFERENT BLACK GUY. I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT
HAPPENED. BY THE WAY, THIS JOKE IS NOT
RACIST. DON’T BE AFRAID.
THIS IS NOT A RACIST JOKE. THE CHICKEN WAS RACIST.
THE CHICKEN WAS DEFINITELY — BUT THAT’S CHICKENS.
CHICKENS ARE VERY, SORT OF, CLOSED DOWN, SORT OF SUSPICIOUS,
PREJUDICE PEOPLE. YOU KIND OF CAN’T BLAME THEM
CONSIDERING THAT THEIR SPECIES MURDER RATE IS 100%.
THAT’S WHY CHICKENS ARE LIKE — NO FRIENDLY CHICKENS.
YOU CAN FEED THE SAME CHICKEN EVERY DAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, YOU BLACK SON OF A BITCH, I’M NOT COMING
OVER THERE. I’M NOT IN YOUR SOUP YET, YOU
JEW. I LIKE ANIMALS.
I LIKE WONDERING ABOUT ANIMALS. I LIKE WONDERING WHAT THEY ARE
THINKING. YOU CAN ASK ABOUT ANY ANIMAL AND
THE CONVERSATION IS OVER. I WONDER IF ANIMALS ARE AWARE OF
THEIR LIVES. LIKE, IS A GIRAFFE UP THERE
GOING, “WHOA!” IT’S TOO HIGH!
HEY, HORSE. HORSE!
>>WHAT, MAN?>>LOOK AT MY NECK!
THAT’S WHY HORSES MAKE THAT NOSE.
YOU ARE NEAR A HORSE AND HE DOES THAT, THAT’S BECAUSE YOU SUCK.
DOES A MOOSE LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN IT’S SURPRISED?
DID YOU SEE A MOOSE? THEY HAVE THIS — I SAW A MOOSE
ONCE IN PERSON. OR IN MOOSE.
MAYBE I WAS PROJECTING BECAUSE I WAS LIKE OH, MY GOSH, A MOOSE
AND HE WAS GOING OH, MY GOD, I’M A MOOSE!
EVERY MOOSE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE WHO GOT TURNED INTO A MOOSE
BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT HIM. I WAS THINKING OF BUYING A GOAT.
BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A TRASH CAN THAT I CAN MAKE LOVE TO.
THAT’S WHY I’M GOING TO BUY A GOAT.
I CAN DO THAT WITH A TRASH CAN I HAVE NOW, BUT I DON’T HAVE A
VAGINA. THAT MAKES IT BETTER.
I DON’T CARE THAT YOU ARE UPSET. I’M STILL GETTING THE GOAT.
I LOVE DOING THIS. STAND-UP COMEDY.
I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR 32 YEARS NOW.
IT’S BEEN GOING GREAT FOR FOUR YEARS, 28 YEARS IT WAS A
STRUGGLE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS HAPPY
WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING. I WAS.
BECAUSE WHEN YOUR LIFE SUCKS, IT JUST SUCKS AND YOU LIVE IT.
WHEN IT GETS BETTER, YOU START GETTING UNHAPPY.
THEN YOU’RE UPSET. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS.
LIKE, NOW I STAY IN BEAUTIFUL FIVE-STAR HOTELS AND I’M
MISERABLE. I USED TO STAY IN MOTELS.
NOT EVEN LIKE A NICE — LIKE A MOTEL 6.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT. LIKE A NOT EVEN A NAME.
JUST MOTEL. LIKE THEY BUILT IT AND ONE GUY
IS LIKE “WHAT SHOULD WE NAME IT?”
THE OTHER GUY IS LIKE, “WHAT?” LAST TIME YOU TOOK A DUMP, DID
YOU NAME IT? YOU KNOW THE MOTELS ON THE
HIGHWAY AND YOU SAY, WHO IS INSIDE OF THAT?
RIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY. LIKE, THE DOOR OPENS ONTO THE
HIGHWAY AND ATRUCK TAKES THE DOOR –.
AND WHEN YOU GET IN THE SHOWER, YOU ARE DIRTIER NOW.
THEY GIVE YOU SOAP AND YOU HAVE TO PEEL OUST PAPER AND IT MAKES
A RASH. YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME IN SKIN
DISEASE WITH THE SOAP. AND THERE’S ALWAYS TWO BEDS AND
ONE BED HAS A BIG POOL OF SPERM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
JUST A BIG DEEP POOL WITH A CURRENT.
HIGH TIDE AT THE SPERM POOL! WHERE’S THE BOAT?
I STAYED IN, LIKE, IN MOTELS LIKE THAT FOR YEARS AND I WAS
HAPPY. BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO? COMPLAIN TO THE MOTEL?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE FRONT DESK?
“I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER.”
“WELL, HE’S DEAD. SOMEBODY DUCT TAPED HIM TO A
CHAIR AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD BECAUSE HE OWED HIM $15.”
NOW I STAY AT BEAUTIFUL HOTELS AND I’M MISERABLE BECAUSE I
DON’T LIKE THE FANCY HOTEL STUFF.
THEY TIE YOUR BATHROBE INTO A SWAN AND I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN
YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE THEY SAY A LONG FLOWERY HELLO BEFORE YOU
TALK ABOUT FOOT. YOU CALL DOWN TO ROOM SERVICE,
THEY’RE LIKE, “HELLO, THIS ROOM SERVICE –”
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ] I HATE IT.
STOP IT! I NEVER LET THEM FINISH.
IT’S LIKE, “HELLO, ROOM SERVICE –”
STOP, STOP, STOP! THANKS, I’D LIKE SOME COFFEE!
I’M MEAN. YOU STAY IN THE HOTELS AND YOU
ARE USED TO IT AND ONE TIME MY LAUNDRY WASN’T THERE.
SO I CALLED HOUSEKEEPING. NOW THEY DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE
ALL FANCY AT HOUSEKEEPING. THIS IS HOW SHE ANSWERS THE
PHONE, SHE GOES, “HELLO?” AND I ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO HER,
I SAID, “DO YOU WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN?”
YEAH. I’M TELLING YOU THINGS ABOUT ME.
I WAS LIKE, “DID I REACH YOU ON YOUR PERSONAL PHONE TODAY?”
SO SHE SAID — SHE GOES, “WHAT DO YOU NEED,
SIR?” AND I SAID, “WELL, I GAVE YOU MY
LAUNDRY YESTERDAY.” SHE SAID “YOU DIDN’T GIVE IT TO
ME.” I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I’M SO
EXCITED ABOUT HOW MAD I GET TO BE NOW.
I SAID, “I GAVE MY LAUNDRY TO YOUR DEPARTMENT AND I WAS
PROMISED. LIKE IT’S IN THE CONSTITUTION
THAT YOU GET YOUR LAUNDRY. IT’S BEEN LONGER THAN 24 HOURS.
SHE SAID, “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?”
SO I SAID, “OKAY, LISTEN, FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN HEAR IN MY VOICE
THAT I’M WHITE.” AND BY THE WAY, I’LL DEFEND THAT
RIGHT NOW. I’LL DEFEND THAT.
BECAUSE LOOK, IT’S WRONG THAT WHITE PEOPLE GET PREFERENTIAL
TREATMENT. IT’S WRONG.
BUT AS LONG AS THEY DO, WHAT’S GOING ON AT THIS HOTEL?
I’M SUPPOSED TO GET THE BEST BECAUSE I’M WHITE WHICH IS
AWFUL AND LONG, BUT WHERE IS IT RIGHT NOW?
SO SHE GETS SICK OF ME. SHE SAYS, “DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK
TO A MANAGER?” I SAID YES.
SO THE MANAGER COMES ON, “HELLO? IT’S NED –”
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ] I SAID, “I AM VERY UPSET!”
SHE WAS LIKE, “OH, I’M SO SORRY, WHITE SIR.
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” I SAID, “I DON’T HAVE MY
LAUNDRY.” HE SAID, “AAH!”
HE SAID, “I’M GOING TO CONDUCT AN INVESTIGATION.”
I WAS LIKE, “YES, THAT’S A VERY WHITE THING.
I WANT A WHITE INVESTIGATION INTO MY LAUNDRY.”
SO HE SAID “I WILL CALL YOU BACK IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS.”
SO I’M WAITING IN MY ROOM LIKE —
SO HE CALLS ME BACK LATER, HE SAYS, “SIR, I LOOKED INTO THE
MATTER AND I HAVE ONE QUESTION. ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU GAVE US
LAUNDRY?” AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT I WAS
LIKE, “I DID NOT GIVE YOU — WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
THE CHAINSMOKERS ARE HERE. SO STICK AROUND AND WE’LL BE
RIGHT BACK. ♪♪♪

100 Replies to “Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue – SNL

  1. So we're gonna ignore and let go of all this talent just because he asked a woman to show her his penis and she agreed?

  2. Isn't this the one where everyone found out he was a racist for making those jokes and it cost him 30 million dollars lol

  3. He is the best stand up alive but the outrage culture he started to feed by feminist stance and white guilt shot himself in the foot.

  4. Louie: I wanna fuck a goat
    Everyone: Lol
    Louie: (has consensual non-contact sexual relation with a few women)
    Everyone: You rapist scum

  5. Anyone else looking at the black dude in the back in order to gauge his reaction to the black jokes! C'mon, you know you are!

  6. This was my first time. First time watching SNL, since E.Murphy days. First time I ever had heard of Louis CK., I've been busy living some other life, or perhaps, just life… Anyway, I was floored, and fell in love.
    Shortly thereafter, well you know. 😥😊 Fan.

  7. So they argue that even if a woman consents it's still sexual assault because "he was famous" or "he was powerful"? What's the goddamn point of getting famous if it doesn't get you more ass? What's the difference in fucking someone because they are hot and it boosts your self esteem and fucking someone rich or famous because it might help your life?

  8. I'm not white; but I have a white voice. My voice gets me best service; until they meet my black African ass.

  9. I’m angry cause he jerks off .. NOOOO or cause people told me to be angry idk I just listen to what Twitter tells me to do!

  10. Racist telling a "not racist joke" to an audience that is PC as they come? That boring moment when everyone in this audience just thinks since he's a liberal, its OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Not Ok.

  11. Louis did nothing wrong. I don´t care if he´s a pervert. Lots of great men were perverts.
    Screw those entitled cunts, who fucked him over. They were counting on boosting their non-existing careers by outing him.
    Guess what. Nobody still knows or gives a fuck about those bitches and Louis is beloved and known as one of the greatest comedians and artists of all time.

  12. 1:07 what the fuck is happenig there?
    the sound goes crazy for a second and then something goes over Louis C.K's head 😀 😀 😀
    you all can be happy that i'm not some
    conspiracy theory chanel 😀

  13. Ricky Gervais called this animal stuff cheating when they were talking on Talkin Comedy or something on HBO. And Bill Burr did the motel jokes. wth Louie

  14. You will be happy to hear that HE IS BACK! Hes touring Europe right now (since it's less heat here). I wanted to go but was sold out immediately.

  15. When He comes back, the world will be a better place. Not for everyone, "Of Course, but MAYBE."

  16. He can't rock a suit unless he got a top hat. Either that or go back to the casual wear he was wearing last stand up if he ever gets the chance again

  17. King of motha fucken Real ass comedy…….

    👍✌🖐

    I wonder why he never mentions that he was born in Mexico City?????

    I love him no matter wat

  18. This is why the Left had to destroy Louis (think of it… two adult women who were asked if they'd watch him jerk off… they complain… his career is over… what a poorly run patriarchy!); his humor was making the country have a sense of humor instead of a sense of righteous, Leftist outrage. He had to go.

  19. I dont have to like the person he is and I most def don't admire him for what he has done, but the man is funny you can't take that from him

  20. Found out george carlin is better ..some unnecesarry some political and reality issues but this is louis ck is boring didnt had balls like carlin..be binge watching carlin again

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